


scars are for the living

by interstellarbeams



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Genre: A New Hope era, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hoth, Pre-Star Wars: A New Hope, Pregnancy, mentions of Davits Draven, mentions of Galen Erso - Freeform, mentions of Lyra Erso
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 04:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12247290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellarbeams/pseuds/interstellarbeams
Summary: Cassian and Jyn spend a moment together between his missions for the Resistance, facing nightmares of the past and dreams for their future.





	scars are for the living

**Author's Note:**

> Nora ([GreenFish](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenFish)) you are an awesome beta! Thanks for spending your limited free time helping me out! I love you!
> 
> Anyone who knows me well, knows I enjoy a good baby!fic, well this one is more of a pregnancy fic. I hope you enjoy reading about these (living) soulmates and their little family. ;)
> 
> Title from _Taking You There_ by Broods.
> 
> Kudos _and_ comments are appreciated!  <3

It had barely broke dawn, and the only illumination in the room was a hazy green glow from the chrono on the nightstand. The windows were shuttered, but even at noonday, no iota of light ventured through. The other side of the window was blanketed in snow, pure white, and void of warmth. 

The darkness of the room almost felt oppressive, but not any more so than the dank cold of her former prison cell on Wobani, or the dark despair she’d felt in the bunker on Lah’mu, waiting for her family - or anyone - to come back to her. 

Jyn wasn’t sure what woke her up this time.

 _Dreams, nightmares, take your pick_ , Jyn thought to herself. 

The strange thing about her dreams was that she could never actually remember them fully. Blurry details would emerge - a picture of a shadowy figure, the feeling of breathlessness as if she had spent hours running - but there was never a clear memory that remained.

The heavy darkness of the room reminded Jyn of the nightmares where she was alone, lost and directionless. The memories were vague, but there were still lingering feelings that remained -- pain, fear, loss. The chains of her nightmares were worse than the restraining cuffs of her imprisonment on Wobani had ever been. 

The moment she awoke, it felt as if she had been in that cell - shivering, angry, alone, _frightened_ \- but the more awake that she became, the harder it was to remember the exact reason why she had been feeling such things. 

It was a reoccurring dream, one that she had often, and it always ended the same way. It was really frustrating, if she was being honest.

The only sound in the room was the cadence of Cassian's steady breathing. She listened for a while, hoping that the rhythm would lull her back to sleep, but it didn’t. His arms weren’t around her; they laid loosely clasped over his stomach. She slid closer to him, as close as she could, laying her head against his shoulder, the infinitesimal movement of his deep, dreamless breathing reminding her that she wasn’t alone in the universe. 

It was a small thing, but also _wasn’t_ , because she knew the _loss_ of that life-giving breath would destroy her as well. Jyn felt safer and warmer with him next to her, but the nameless terrors of her dream were still haunting her. 

The scratchy blanket against her cheek reminded her of the rough texture of her father's vest: the one he always wore when working on their moisture farm. In her mind, she could still smell the sharp scent of his sweat, and the ever-familiar laundry soap her mother used. They had owned a laundry droid on Coruscant, but those luxuries had no longer existed once they’d escaped the Empire’s clutches and fled to Lah’mu. 

Jyn thought with fondness about how simple her fears had been as a child. 

Darkness could so easily be driven away by a carefully-placed nightlight; childish nightmares chased away by the warmth of her mother’s arms, and loneliness would evaporate as soon as her father came home - exhausted and filthy - but always willing to sit down and play with her. 

_She missed them._

Jyn sighed, feeling the ache of lonely despair, despite Cassian’s presence. She pressed the palms of her hands against the firm curve of her belly, hoping to feel her baby move, but the baby was asleep and at peace. 

She sniffled, and tears suddenly started leaking from beneath her lashes, rolling down her cheek, and dampening Cassian's shoulder. Carefully, she turned around, trying to stifle the sound of her sobs against her fist, but they wouldn’t be contained. 

“Hey, hey- _Jyn?_ What's wrong?” Cassian asked, propping himself up on his elbow. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Is everything okay?” 

At the sound of his voice, Jyn started crying more, but after a few seconds, she managed to turn back over, gripping onto him with both hands. Wrapping both arms around her, Cassian pulled her closer, cradling her head against his shoulder where it had just been resting.

“Shh, shh, shh. Everything's alright, _mi amor_.” Cassian rubbed soothing circles onto her back. 

Jyn hiccupped, gazing up at him, her eyes shimmering like the starlight in the vast galaxy of night skies. Cassian brushed her tears away with his thumb, murmuring nonsensical words in her ear, holding her close. He hated seeing her cry, but he also knew she probably needed it. 

By the time she stopped crying, Jyn felt worn out, but she managed to smile apologetically. The movement pulled at her cheeks, which were stained with her dried-up tears, and Jyn grimaced at the sight of her sleeve, where she had unintentionally wiped her nose.

Cassian’s grin -- _Was he laughing at her?_ \-- illuminated suddenly as the lights flickered on, hailing the start of the day. The noise of multiple generators firing up simultaneously could be heard echoing throughout the base. 

Groaning in mock annoyance, Cassian threw back the covers, stood up, and made his way towards his drop bag, where it rested against the dresser. Pulling out a piece of clothing, he tossed it to her, before crossing to the private ‘fresher attached to the sleeping quarters. 

Jyn pulled the shirt over her head, shivering immediately, as the freezing air made contact with her bare skin. After shrugging into Cassian’s shirt, she couldn’t help but sniff appreciatively at the familiar scent of ozone and thruster lubricant.

The door creaked as he came out of the refresher. Jyn glanced up as he jogged across the room, hurriedly grabbing the covers and sliding into bed. The combined warmth of their bodies huddling together under the blanket was a comfort, more than a deterrent against the cold, on this maker-forsaken icicle of a planet. 

Jyn squealed at the press of his cold nose on the side of her neck, then giggled at the warmth of his breath against her ear. He kissed her lightly behind her ear, and the sound of her happy laughter sent joyful tremors throughout his body. 

He smiled at her lovingly - so lovingly, that it took her breath away. 

It overwhelmed her.

She tried to smile back in response, but her lips began to tremble. A memory of her parents again came into her mind, making her want to crumple back into tears. _Stupid pregnancy hormones_ , Jyn cursed silently.

Cassian’s smile slowly faded and concern crossed his face as he stared down at her.

“ _Jyn_?” Cassian asked, rubbing his thumb against her cheek, soothingly. 

Jyn hummed under her breath in the semblance of a question, as she tried to fight back more tears.

Cassian watched her for awhile; the curve of her cheek under his caress, the messy, slightly curly hair that rested against her neck. She was beautiful and he hated the thought of her in pain -- emotional pain, no less -- yet he was in no way qualified to deal with psychological scars, despite the close acquaintances he had with his own. 

Cassian couldn't help but blurt out the question floating through his mind, despite the apparent bluntness of it. He was tired and not fully functioning quite yet. 

“Jyn? Why were you crying?” 

Jyn couldn’t help but look away, Cassian's hands dropping from her face as she threw the blanket back, turning away and drawing inward. 

Jyn had always been taught that tears were a weakness: first from her parents, who were fugitives from the Imperials, and then from Saw, when she was a child soldier on Jedha. She _always_ had to be strong, and despite Cassian’s continued assurance that it was okay to need someone, to need _him_ , she found that she still had trouble being completely honest with him.

The curve of Jyn's back was taut with tension; her arms wrapped tightly around her legs, like a Borcuta guarding its hoard of pilfered trash. Knowing from past experience that Jyn’s stubborn silence couldn’t be broken by further attempts to draw her out, Cassian sighed, flopping onto his back. 

He hummed tunelessly under his breath, tracing the faded ceiling tiles with his eyes. His mind cycled through half-formed thoughts of the future - for he and Jyn, as well as the Alliance. 

Suddenly, a light bulb went off in his mind. 

Shaking his head free of distractions, Cassian turned onto his side, gently pulling a stiff, yet unresisting Jyn into his arms. He rubbed her arms gently, creating friction to warm them, as the early morning sounds of the base filtered faintly through the parasteel door of their quarters. 

“It’s the memory of the past, or worries about the future that are bothering you,” Cassian sighed, pressing his nose against the side of her face. His warm breath whispered across her freckled cheek, “I understand, _mi amor_. Our pasts haven't been the best, closer to the worst - truth be told, and our future is unknown. Anything and everything could happen to us between now and the end of this fight. You shouldn't worry. Life _will_ continue on, whether we want it to or not.” 

Cassian rubbed his palm against her swollen belly as if to punctuate his point; the slight caress made her shiver pleasantly.

Jyn huffed out what sounded like a laugh, but could have been a sob. Turning back over once again, she nestled her head against his chest, their legs intertwined. Jyn started fiddling with the button placket on his shirt. She almost always became withdrawn when faced with talks about personal things. 

After a long pause, she said, “I don't know what woke me. It could have just been a dream, but it was more than likely a nightmare. You know I hardly _ever_ remember my dreams, but I had a horrible feeling after this one. Almost as if... I was recalling my death, but I’m _not_ dead. You know?” 

“I think I know what you mean,” Cassian responded, before adding, “ _don't_ give me that look. Why would I lie to you?” 

He frowned deeply, his eyebrows drawn together over his dark brown eyes, as Jyn watched him. 

Cassian continued: “I had a dream -- _nightmare?_ \-- a few nights ago, actually.” His voice trailed off as he got lost in the memory for a moment. “It was weird. It almost felt like you were there as well. There was an unbearable heat, and a bright flash of light that sent pain lancing through my whole body and then -- _nothing_.” 

Jyn lifted her head slowly, her own brow creased in consternation, before her gaze came to rest on his. “That’s so odd,” she said. “I still don't remember much, but what you just described - it seems so familiar. Maybe we had the same dream?” 

Shuddering again, Jyn drew herself into Cassian, pressing her body as close to him as was humanly possible with a six-month pregnant belly between them. 

Cassian laid a soft kiss on the still sleep-damp skin of her neck. Jyn shivered as goosebumps erupted along her neck, the low heat of arousal battling with the cold fear still gripping her heart. 

“Promise me that you won't leave me, you won't leave _us_ ,” Jyn whispered against him, her voice once again shaky with tears. “Please?” 

“I promise,” Cassian answered without hesitation.

They lay there for a few more moments, the memory of their nightmares hanging in the air like the ever-present snow that blew outside the hangar doors of the shuttle ports. 

“Y-you asked me why I was crying,” Jyn said finally. “I was... just thinking about my parents.” She cleared her throat, as tears once again threatened to emerge. 

Jyn kept her gaze focused on her fingers, and off Cassian’s sympathetic eyes. They were so easily able to affect her mood with their depths of expressive emotion. 

“I was remembering how safe I always felt with them. No matter what was going on in my life -- no matter where we lived, or whether or not they had had a long, stressful day -- I always had them. They're _gone_ now though, and I miss them.” 

Cassian nodded sympathetically. “I miss _mi familia_ , too,” he admitted. “Especially _mi madre_ and _mi abuelita_. They would always welcome me home with warm, open arms, the scent of spices floating in from the kitchen…. They would fix a meal for the family every evening, and we would laugh and sing -- my sisters and I -- all through the night. I would often wake up in my bed with no memory of how I got there, but I’d remember how we laughed all night.” 

Tears welled up in his eyes, but he smiled at the memory. Warmth flooded Jyn's chest at the sight. 

Reaching up to kiss him, Jyn couldn’t help but smile against his lips, despite her tearful start to the morning. She loved him so much, and couldn’t imagine being anywhere but in his arms, in their bed together. 

He would have to leave soon: as the head of Rebel Intelligence, he always had somewhere else to be, or some other assignment to aid their glorious cause -- but in _that_ moment, he was there with her, and she didn’t plan on letting him go anytime soon. 

He flipped them over, and all Jyn could see were his beautiful deep eyes, and the fall of his bangs across his forehead, before his lips were once again upon hers. She sighed into his mouth at the delicious feel of the weight of his body against her own. Her breasts were pushed up against his chest, as his fingers delved into her hair, his thumbs stroking the rounded edges of her cheeks.

Humming under her breath at the pleasure slowly coursing through her veins, Jyn slowly ran her fingernails up Cassian's back, delighting at the shiver that runs through him. She knew the air in the room was frigid, but the warmth of Cassian's body, and the fire of his kisses, made her forget everything else that existed. 

Jyn gasped as Cassian's thumbs grazed the sensitive tips of her breasts, the coarse cotton of his shirt rubbing against her bare skin. Cassian grinned at her reaction, but Jyn wasn’t one to give in so easily. She bit his neck, just at the base of his throat, in retaliation. Jyn giggled at the sound of his groan of arousal, but swallowed it down as he once again bent down to kiss her.

An annoying high-pitched beeping sound interrupted their impromptu makeout session. Cursing in his native tongue, Cassian reached across to turn off the chrono’s alarm. Jyn groaned in frustration as well. She whined low in the back of her throat, attempting to draw him back down to her. 

_Cariña_ ,you know I would stay in bed with you forever, and believe me, it's definitely a much warmer place to be, but I’ve got to meet with General Draven this morning for a debrief,” Cassian drawled, beseeching, his accent always more apparent when he became serious or upset. 

Jyn huffed. “Ugh, I know.” 

Rolling onto her side, she smoothed Cassian’s hair away from his forehead, before giving him a brief, sweet kiss. 

“Go on, I’ve got things to do today, too,” she said, frowning. “Just - thankfully, not _this_ kriffing early in the morning.” Jyn grabbed her pillow, punched it a few times to make it fluffy again, and pulled the covers back up to her chin. Closing her eyes as if she meant to fall right back asleep, she opened one eye to peek up at him, an impish grin lifting the corner of her lips.

Chuckling, Cassian shook his head at her silliness, before quickly crossing to the refresher to shower in the hopefully warm water that awaited him. 

\--------

 

The sound of the door opening, and a freezing cold draft of air woke Jyn out of her mid-morning doze. 

“Cassian?” Jyn asked, sleepily, confusion muddling her brain. Pushing herself up onto her elbow, she squinted against the light shining in her eyes, before glancing over at the time on the blinking chrono. 

“It's me, _mi corazon_ ,” Cassian answered, as he crossed the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He sighed and scrubbed both his hands across his face. She studied him as he stared, unseeing, at the blank, gray wall across from the bed. Tension had set in, where earlier there had been none.

“What is it?” she asked. “Why are you back so soon?” Jyn rubbed his back in an attempt at comforting him. 

“I’ve got to head out on another mission,” Cassian replied, sighing in resignation.

“What? But… you just came _back_ , and they promised they would give you some time off!” Jyn argued. 

“I know,” Cassian frowned, standing up suddenly. He turned around, glancing down at Jyn’s legs, which were curled off to the side on the bed. “I tried to get them to reconsider. There were other operatives available, soldiers who didn't just come back from a three month-long reconnaissance mission, but they wouldn't listen. These guys are the ones in charge, and I’m just the lackey that they get to push around.” 

He shoved his hand through his hair in agitation before bringing it down to rest against his hip, the dark khaki of his uniform easily hiding the multiple patches and repairs that occurred when you were involved in a dangerous profession and a continually _pressed_ for funds rebellion. 

“It's not fair,” Jyn complained, failing in her attempts to not sound like a spoiled child. Tears formed, against her will, threatening to spill out onto her cheeks.

It was bad enough that they used Jyn, and managed to get her hopes up time and time again -- _so much for being a cynic_ \-- but then to promise Cassian some much-needed time off, only to snatch it away? 

It was beyond cruel. 

It was enough to make her want to hurt someone, preferably a higher-up, curse the Alliance, violently and repeatedly, then move to the furthest planet in the Outer Rim and forget that this blasted war even existed. 

But she knew that Cassian would never agree to that. He was too noble, too loyal, too conscientious.

She was the wild card, and yet, Cassian knew how to even her out, like a swindler charming his way out of a tough spot. 

Cassian crouched down in front of her, wrapping his fingers around her small fists where they lay clenched in her lap, then bent his head to kiss each one softly. Glancing up at her and into her glassy gray-green eyes, he smiled before pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. 

“The Empire take these tears!” Jyn cried, frustrated, scrubbing the tears away with a swipe of her sleeve. 

A look of sympathy crossed his face before he pushed himself up and away from the bed.

 _Stop being such a ninny!_ she thought. _He's the one who has to go out there and do all the hard work. Risking his life in the line of duty and all that crap. You're just a selfish, selfish person._

She should be more worried that he might not come home, rather than the fact that he was _leaving_. 

“I've got to pack. They only gave me a few hours before I have to be at the docking bay,” Cassian explained apologetically, before turning to the dresser across the room and opening its top drawer.

\--------

After a quick perusal of their small quarters, Cassian zipped up the top of his bag. Sighing in resignation he turned back to the bed.

“It's time for me to go, _mi corazon_. I can't promise that I'll be back soon but I can promise that I’ll do my best to come back to you and our family.” He smiled down at her softly.

Leaning over, Cassian kissed the soft swell of her belly revealed by the folds of the blanket. “Watch over _pequeñita_ while I'm gone. I’ll be back as soon as I can. _I love you_.” 

His lips on hers were warm and so were his arms. She didn’t want to let him go, but she _had_ to, for the future of their world, and for their baby’s future. Cassian pulled back too soon and she wanted to draw him back in, but she _didn’t_. She couldn’t.

Lifting his drop bag to his shoulder, he crossed the room, the soft thump of the door closing out the only sound in the room. 

Jyn laid her head back against the pillow, gently rubbing her hand across her belly. “I sure hope your _papa_ will be back soon. I already miss him.”


End file.
